Yeah. so I struggle with low self worth. It is healing and getting better but I have always had an underlining belief in my head that I am a loser. So, I would do everything to not be if that makes sense. One of my spiritual councils called ne out on that long time ago and I took me off guard because I was like hf well that is just a thought in my head I never told anyone about.
So, I have always felt like that ugly little kid, that was shaved all the time and had bald spots at age 7 from the doctor said, "Childhood premature balding from stress" or some shit like that. So, I was use to being an ugly kid with low self esteem and a bald head until I was 14 years old because I had head lice my whole entire childhood. So, I was bald this one time this one year I was so so bald I had initials my Initials in the back of my head which I didn't give a shit because I was a little tomboy and I thought it looked cool so what ever. I had crushes being as raggedy as I was I always had Sally anns clothes and stuff like that second hand hand me downs, clothes that never fit me. I was always starving too hungry as a kid. The only time when it was good time living with my birth ma was on welfare and family allowance because that is when you know you could eat today! So, me and my baby brother would dance and be so happy and hold hands and sing because we actually had food. Times were really tough alot of parts of child hood. Im happy I struggled young though. It gave me the tools to be what I am excel at today.
Anyways, I had low self esteem no boy ever looked at me like that or wanted to date me because I was a boy and would get asked out by other girls who thought I was a guy. But what ever. I was poor and for some time as a kid didn't have a lot of opportunities that other kids had but that is okay I aint on here to try sell you a sob story of my childhood this aint about my childhood this a blog today about why my self worth is low and how it directly related to my dating evolution and loving myself and knowing what I deserve.
Okay so, I suffered with low self esteem from childhood because all my friends had experienced a kiss or a hug from a boy or even writing notes to a boy to have proof that they even had someone interested in them. Other teenagers were holding hands and had already went to first base. I wasn't that open like I wanted to maybe one day go to first base but even sharing secrets with someone would be so cool and love letters and saying I love you. Yeah, I am a mush. I am super romantic. I can fall in love with someone knowing there heart and soul and never make love to em. I always been like that. Anyways, everyone had a boyfriend and girlfriend and I asked out fucken Chad George and got the cut. I was called a lot of mean names because I was skinny, brown, poor, riceroni hair aka licey and hairy as eff like my arms, back and legs, and knuckles and stuff are super hairy. Indigenous people aint hairy at all. If you ever meet a true Indigenous North |American person ... like a male .. like Robin Daniels instagram him or search Mistawsis Councillor. His body is an example of hairless, Hardly any pits on I mean hardly any hair on his pits. Plus, we traditionally do not have B.O. Indigenous traditional bodys genetically do not have body odor. That shit you catch from sharing other peoples stank ass shirts and sweaters. So make sure your kids aint sharing that shit. No one likes a stinky mf for real.
Anyways, you get the point I was hairy as eff so I would get called mean names like ape or monkey or babboon . That hurt my feelings alot as a kid. But looking at all the bullies now they either crackheads all miserable and shit or hammered in the local bar obese af talking about there glory days in high school. Like moral of the story just be a nice, kind human always to everyone. I know I aint perfect but I always showed love and respect as much as possible to folks young, old small or big.
So, I had low self esteem so when I hit puberty all of a sudden I will never forget it I was in Jonas Samson Junior High and I was living full time with my dad when I just turned 14 years old. Him and my kokum would always take turns raising me. So, yeah kokum means Grandma in my language.
SO yeah, I hit 14 and came back to school in grade 9 and I remember the hottest teacher in the history of Meadow Lake looked at me twice and said, "holy cherish you fricken grew up growth spurt" But, the way he looked at me was different I had grown out my hair and was I was wearing girly clothes because my dad has always looked after me good and made sure I was dressed nice so living with dad was always a stark contrast from the younger younger days of living with my birth mom. Same with my kokum always made sure I had nike shoes and food to eat so I always loved my kokum living with my kokum since I was a 4 Years old on and off than I would go back to my birth mom and life would always go back to hell with her and I would always beg her to let me go stay at grandpa and grandma's they were better parents than she was and I even wrote an essay at 8 years old how I loved them so much and that change for me was good and change for people was good. But, I aint here to bash her my birth ma. She has some real demons she went through as a child I don't even know how she stayed alive past her childhood. Residential school raped kids and that was the onslaught of what my birth mom experienced pretty much.
So, I hit age 14 and all of a sudden the male population started to look and act to me different. So your girl had options so I started dating Dale Mitsuing for a couple months It was fun he would always call me and sing songs. He was a really good communicator and he was a great kisser and never pressured me into S.E.X. We never did it. I never even peeped his wiener.
So, yeah.
But I still had low self esteem and always felt this underlining sadness of loneliness like I was always lonely and missing something in my life. Later I will have realized it was me. It was me I was missing my whole LIfe. .I fucken wish school these fucken piece of shit schools would teach kids how to love themselves in grade one and healthy boundaries and how they are source connected to God. That they are little parts of God inside of them each one of us are and we are sitting on all this power and love. We don't have to seek externally to find someone to love us. But fill our own mf cup with friends, exercise, singing, laughing, community events, sister and bestfriend events. Community family healthy living. These things are fulfilling and happy to the soul. Above all of this though is SELF LOVE. That light and that love that you seek outside yourself is within you all along.
So, I was in pain as a kid and searched for something to fill the void so I had boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend trying to shield the great pain the great heartbreak that was underlining my whole life. It was pain from my childhood, being an abused kid, experiencing horrific violence and seeing violence on the daily, trauma sexual stuff emotional and mental bullying. It was all that childhood stuff that pain I had never faced and I did not even know I was carrying it so I had this huge sadness and low self esteem of unhealed wounds backpacking engulfing my whole entire life but I kept running from it because I would not give myself a chance to breathe or take a break in between boyfriends. I remember after I left Badge which was tough I was not use to being single and I was so hurting unit from that and other things .. my dad dying and my baby dying miscarriage...
That when this one hot guy approached me romantically after Badge and i was hurting and vulnerable and so broken hearted in that time frame I was not use to being single I was so fucken thirsty and Did not know how to be chill I like wanted to shack up right away and shit. Like Holy really clingy, thirsty and annoying fuck. I was like way overly willing to that guy and scared him off. Which is good fuck because now when I look back at it I am like wow that is the hugest turn off to be so mother fucken eager beaver. Like I was eager beaver to the max. I would have run from my ass too I was overly thirsty dehydrated over shared to the point when I look at that message I am too fucken embarrassed and I would text back too fast with paragraphs really fucken thirsty as eff. Real hurting unit lol Because I wanted to be held. I was lonely .
But I realized the only reason I was lonely is because I was lonely for myself for those quiet moments to discover who the fuck I really am. Like who the fuck am I? I was never alone in my life and it was scary as fuck and I wanted to die. It felt like I was dying for two years. I had never not been in a relationship and not had consistent companionship. I was co-dependent as fuck. I didn't know who I was and felt so alone. You need to go through this time of lost and deep deep pain of heartbreak to find out who the fuck you are and to shed light on you as a soul having a human experience. You need to be alone for awhile to become stronger and gain skills, and find talents that you never knew you had. It sounds super cliche but you do need these times. You can't use other people as crutch to try heal your pain. You need to go through those emotions crying alone in your room, or your pick up truck.
YOu need those times to talk to God and just fucken ugly cry to the 10s until you put your hand on your heart and you realize like wow my heart isn't it too much pain anymore. YOu need to acknowledge your heart pain and that deep heart ache of loneliness and be like to yourself -to the little version of you "Baby i'm here for you and I love you and it is okay that you are heartbroken, I am sitting with you through this its okay to be sad and cry" And than just let it fucken rip cry really lots until you have a headache and run out of tissue paper. The reason why people's heartbreaks are so fucken unbearable is because they are NOT ACKNOWLEDGING their own hearts and letting there heart be broke they are ignoring the pain in there chest and trying to act like they don't have no mf heartbreak or underlining sadness. That resistance of acknowledging your heartbreak is what is the PAINFUL PART. You need to feel those emotions of pain and sit with it. You need to be there for yourself like you would your most beloved dearest friend. Give yourself the compassion you so freely give others. Healing takes time for it took years and it is a daily thing for me to this day healing never stops. It is like onion layers. So, the better you get at healing and feeling and letting yourself giving yourself the permission to have those FUCK my life days .. THE BETTER YOUR LIFE WILL be.
I book sad bitch days for myself sometimes because like I said healing is like onion rings. EMOTIONS=ENERGY IN MOTION
YOU got to LET THAT pain wash thru You and feel it and isolate in your room and just be present wit your broken heart. Give yourself permission to be sad, angry and cry lots. This is all part of this earth school and why we here is to experience EMOTIONS.
HEAL AND FEEL TO HEAL WHATS REAL let the pain wash thru you and out of you forever. Accept, forgive and let go.
LOVE YOU SO MUCH XOXOXOXO
YOU GOT THIS BABY LIFE IS TOUGH BUT YOU ARE TOUGHER!
LOVE YOU SOOOO YOU CUTIE PATOOOTIE XOXOO