I got my ass beat. I was a teenager and my teenage boyfriend always use to grab me and rough me up. He was abusive. And I was young and I was blind to the abuse at first. It was slow and sinister.
I think the worst form of abuse is passive aggressive. It is sinister and quiet and covered with a smile. It is true manipulation at its finest.
He use to throw shit at me, throw me around, punch me, bottled me in the face permanently injuring my left cheek and the muscle tissue in that side. He would man handle me hit me rip my clothes off and drag me out of his apartment or house. Naked.
Naked this one time in Edmonton the city in the middle of the city I did not even know anyone.
That wasn’t what hurt me the most though. It was the words that he said. He would tell me I am a loser. He would call me ugly all the time. He would tell me that no man would ever look at me twice. He told me I would end up just another ugly Native woman on welfare with 5 kids on welfare forever. The words he would say calling me ugly and worthless was what fucked me up the most.
He would leave me with black eyes all the time and I would constantly cover them with makeup and cover up and sometimes I would forget to cover my eyes and would wake up and go upstairs to my kokum and she would look at me and be like wtf happened and I would forget to put make up to cover my black eyes and I would say oh, yeah I was drunk and I fell hard, I will be okay. She knew as a teenager I was always fighting so she just would yell around really lots mad saying “nimis you better stop fucking around you are gonnna die or get hurt one day!!!” something along those lines in our Cree language.
But, everyone who has been in a physically abusive relationship knows that the mental and emotional abuse is way worst than any physical injury can ever do to the body. The words he would say to me calling me down made me feel worthless and gross and really killed my self esteem. I think this is why I stayed so long in that relationship he was 10 years older and I was a teenager. He was always cheating on me and I always busted him red handed. But I stayed because he would say you will never find anyone better, You're ugly.
He was so phoney and fake to everyone else. He was a light skinned white looking guy so he was charming and fake asf when need be. He grew up super spoiled and rich. Never starved a day in his life. He did hate his mom because he was raped lots from his older cousin and that fucked him up bad sexually. He couldn’t keep it up in bed and would always only last 2 seconds. His root chakra was very unhealed.
I always fantisized about going to his older cousins house and killing him with a shotgun one day. No one would miss the guy I heard he was a sexual deviant and bothered boys and girls.
I pray he finds healing. I forgave him 2 years ago. I forgive you.
This ain't 1956 Dont Settle for a man or woman beating the Fuck out of u! Owe it to yourself & your kids to Give yourself a gift of a healthier, better life!
This is 2022 there are Woman's shelters Out there to help u escape a domestically abusive relationship. Do not think you are Ever stuck !!!! I have left & started over my life several different times in my life !!! Remember your body is the house to your soul . At the end of this life all we take is our spirit so please Do Not settle for a half ass life when u deserve Better!!!!!
My Guys & my girls please know you are Beautiful !
You are Worthy of love .
You are lovable.
You are unique.
You are special.
You are loved.
You are worthy of healthy love
You are worthy of soulmate love
You are healing
You are imperfectly imperfect
You are gorgeous asf
You are One in Eight Billion.
You are loved!!!
