Sitting here listening to XXXTENTACION . Than running a shower crying in the shower alot lately. I don't know why I never use to. My heart feels heavy this past little while. I know I'm reflecting on memories of a childhood that I once had. It's crazy how hard our childhoods affect us as adults. Our lack to give love or recieve love or lack thereof.
I never felt at home since birth my whole childhood . I was always constantly scared as a kid. I was always living in constant fear. The one person who I did try run to as a kid knew low key had to have known had a inkling of what was going on. He made up for it when I was older but still the trauma was instilled in me. My dad should have known what was going on. His house was Hella violent asf but not on me but instead around me people around me. Well on me but not as brutally violent on me.
Imagine being a child diagnosed with premature stress having bald spots all over your head. I was 7 years old with bald spots all over my head from childhood stress. I was hospitalized every couple months bc I couldn't make a bowel movement . All from childhood physical abuse and violence mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Body neglect and starvation and isolation. I was like one of those dogs all bald spots and scared u see on those adopt a dog commercials. I even had a short buzz cut til I was 14. I always felt like a loser growing up like no one loved me and like I was invisible. I was already a weird ass kid seeing shit feeling shit imagine poverty & abuse from all ends on top of that. I hated my life.
I was living with my birth mom who hated me with every ounce that she was. She hated herself I dont know even know why she tried her take at kids she didn't like em.
The only place I felt safe for a minute as a child was weekend visitation with my dad and the times since birth I got to live withr my kokum and moshum. That means grandma and grandpa in Cree. Those 3 ppl were as close to safe & home as I could get. Only those 3 I felt safe and loved around as a child. There was no where or no one else. They all gone now.
But that's okay bc they visit alot I SEE THEM. So they are closer now than they could ever be.
I dont go home alot bc they were my home they in spirit world now. My home is where ever I lay my head at night. There's more stuff that happened horrific specifics I reflect on as I cry but this is a short blog. Healing comes in layers like an onion. You remember some things and you mourn the child that child that never felt protected or seen. You mourn, you let go, you forgive.