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Loving a parent. Your only parent sometimes. Your fave parent. The parent that you only ever Knew. The person you take as your parent.

Watching them kill themselves slowly to their addiction softly kills you in the heart slowly. You wonder why or you wonder what you did for them to keep doing this to themselves. You love them more than anything in this world flaws and all and you look after them when they are deep in there addiction active doing it. You love them so much you want them to be safe and you look after them when they are blacked out. YOu search for them even as a child making sure they are okay.

You feed them soup and you make sure they are laying comfortable when they are finally passed out so they won't be uncomfortable.

You watch them as a child and parent them and try make them stop crying or punching the walls or yelling at nothing. You try everything in your power to try make them not be in pain no more. YOu think that if you love them harder or show them more love and affection they won't hurt anymore and they will wake up the next day and stop abusing the drugs or stop abusing the booze.

You grow up looking after your beloved. You have faith that one day your love will be enough to cure them and that one day they won't drink everyday or that one day they won't leave you alone anymore.

Sometimes you stay alone at night and look out the window for them when they leave. You feel alone alot of the time and in return you think its normal to abuse drugs and alcohol because that is what your memory has only ever remembered.

When your beloved is sober sometimes they laugh. Sometimes you have a good day and go to the park. Sometimes mom seems like she is happy and that she is not sad anymore. And you remember those moments the moments at the park or visiting family when she laughs. When the world is happy again for those few moments. YOU remember them because they are few and far in between. Because mom gets sad again and than she starts to be sad and than she starts to drink again. But you don't mind because you know how to cook noodles and make peanut butter sandwiches for you and your baby brother so it is okay. You know what to do when mom disappears for days.

You cry yourself to bed alot alone because you're scared. You feel alone. YOu can't wait to grow up so you can get a job and have independence so you won't have to be hungry anymore. YOu can't wait to get big and get a job so you can buy food for the little siblings because mom is always crying saying there is not enough money. You want mom not to be sad anymore and to cry and drink anymore. You kiss her when she is alone in the bedroom crying in her hands you kiss her from her seven year old body and hug her and tell her thats okay mom everything is going to be okay.

There is lots of strange people at the house and they fight. They always fight every night someone gets smashed against the fridge or against the cupboards thrown across the floor. There is always someone getting thrown out the door and screams and yelling and women crying. There is fights in the kitchen, there is fights in the livingroom there are scraps that you can hear outside. Sometimes there is laughter. The noises all blend together after awhile into white noice because you are use to the noise now it becomes white noise. You are use to sleeping through the chaos because it is your norm.

You take a cup of what mom and dad always drink. YOu can't even look over the kitchen table. YOu want to see this drink they always drink that makes them mad. It tastes gross. YOu gulp it down as fast as you can still to see what it is. You are 3 years old drunk.

I wake up in between my toy boxes wondering how I got there But I don't care I want to go outside and play with my friends my cousins next door.

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Papa ♡


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